Hate is something I don’t like.  I don’t like the feeling and I don’t like the word.  When I told my blogging accountability partner I was going to publish “Ten Things I Hate About Me” she said, “Oh lordie. What are 10 whole things you could possibly hate about yourself?”  I thought she knew me better than that.  I can come up with 10 things I don’t like about myself and not even be challenged.  It’s not self loathing.  It’s an annual self evaluation.  I want to be a better person today than I was yesterday.  I want to be a better person tomorrow than I am today.

  1. I hate that I’m scared:  If you follow me on Twitter or interacted with me at all, you may have noticed I use #NotThatBrave frequently.  Whether it’s in reference to a BDSM photo I’ve seen on Twitter or Facebook that makes me cringe (your kink is not my kink, said someone somewhere but I can’t remember who or where) or calling out an asshat company for shitty practices.  My first instinct is to send someone an email and say, “Hey, check this out and let me know your thoughts”.  No more cowering to avoid conflict.  My message can’t be delivered if I don’t give voice to the words stuck in my throat.  I will speak up.
  2. I hate that I can be too quiet:  I can talk to anybody anywhere.  My husband says I’ve never met a stranger.  And that’s true.  I’m a chatterer.  I love long road trips with my friends.  When we come back we’re all hoarse from laughing and talking.  I’m not one that’s going to say, “This is bullshit. Stop it.”  This causes conflict. Conflict makes me nauseous.  This is something I need to fix.   I will speak out.
  3. I hate that I’m caught up in my life and fail to notice what’s going on around me: Sometimes I’m oblivious.  I’m in a constant state of hyper awareness taking care of my husband’s medical condition.  I’ve been anxious for months because the rat bastard imaging center keeps changing my MRI appointments.  [Although, I am thankful they are making special arrangements to open on a Saturday for me to have them.]  It’s not all about me.  It’s about friends and family, mentoring and being mentored.  Being needed instead of being needy.  I will be more conscientious in balancing my friendships
  4. I hate that I’m a poor judge of character:  I want to see the best in everyone because I want people to see the best in me. My husband has had the job of protecting my well being when it comes to friendships for almost 20 years.  I’ll be friends with anyone.  It’s bitten me in the ass more than once.  My husband’s been the one to hold me when my heart gets broken.  Too many times I have had people who were my friends, but I wasn’t theirs. I do and they take.  I need and I’m all alone. I’m tired of crying because some asshole hurt my feelings.  I will be smarter.
  5. I hate that I can be judgmental:  In our house there are three ways to do things:  The Right Way, The Wrong Way and MY WAY.  Our children call this the “momtatorship”.  I’ve had a very hard time transitioning from raising my children to an empty nest.  That mentality has crossed over into my everyday life.  Can we talk about the National Humane Society commercials?  Do the people who donate their hard earned money realize how much that 4 minute commercial to run during Prime Time television costs?  Quit begging for money on an expensive TV ad and put those millions of dollars you just spend on something worthwhile.  <——— That’s not a very good attitude to have.  It’s none of my business what someone does with their money or their life.  I will be more understanding.
  6. I hate jumping to conclusions:  Everyone does it but that doesn’t make it right. I have been in the position of losing my temper or getting my feelings hurt simply because I jumped to a conclusion. I always expect the worst so when it actually happens, it’s not surprising.  Some people refer to this as a self fulfilling prophecy.  This is a burdensome character flaw.  I deserve all the good things life has to offer. I will expect the best.
  7. I hate when my curiosity hurts someone’s feelings:  My husband says I’m nosy.  I want to know, but I won’t get angry if someone doesn’t tell me.  I’m not going to stalk someone to find the answer to a question they won’t answer.  I’m not a stalker.  However, that curiosity has landed me in hot water more than once simply for lack of education.  If you can’t ask, how are you going to know?  The problem with me tends to present itself in “insert foot in mouth” symptoms.  I spend too much time backtracking trying to fix how I asked the question when I should have found a better way to ask.  I will think before I speak.
  8. I hate being too nice:  Need a ride?  I’m there for you.  Need a meal because you’re sick? I make a mean chicken noodle soup. I even make my own noodles, too.  Need someone to talk to because you’re down?  I’ll sacrifice sleep for you.   This sets me up to be taken advantage of on a regular basis.  It lets me be used for what I can do for someone and not appreciated for who I am.  I will make people in my life accountable for their behavior.
  9. I hate when my patience hits its limit:  I hate waiting.  From long checkout lines to expecting a phone call or an email, I want to speed things along.  I have other things I need to do besides wait.  Impatiently.  I have a to do list a mile long and something is preventing me from moving on to the next item.  I can’t start the next item until this one is off my list.  If I can’t cross it off my list I’m in a tail spin of disorganization.  I will learn to multitask.
  10. I hate to procrastinate:  Why do today what can be put off tomorrow?  I can out wait anyone on any task. I’m not lazy.  There are just other things I’d rather be doing.  I have to break this bad habit.  I will do what needs to be done.

Self evaluation is difficult for me.  I think I’m great. Not everyone has the same opinion of me as I have of myself. I also recognize that everyone one needs improvement.  I love to connect with my readers.  Follow me on Twitter or email me at Broken@afterrdarkk.com.  Comment on this article.  What are some of the things you want to improve within yourself?  These are the areas I will concentrate on in 2017.  Thank you for spending time with me.

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